Given More

The other day I had a conversation with someone who said to me,

"I could never give up a baby."

And let me add, this was said while my daughter was standing right next to me. What kind of message is this sending to my daughter? And even more what kind of spurious ideas are there about the realities and beautiful miracles that occur in adoption?

This question left me fuming. After a good night's rest, I'm not so upset. Her question is real. And indicative of a view point that is innocent from not knowing, experiencing or hearing about the positive and unimaginable joy that comes through adoption for all parties involved. So today, I am going to answer this common statement, from my heart. Knowing that for every negative story on adoption that swarms the media, there are thousands of miraculous ones.

My children were brought to us through the miracle of adoption. And when I say miracle, I mean it. Part of this miracle involved our beautiful Birthparents. Who by no means whatsoever "gave up" their sweet child.

It takes an incredible amount of love to do what they did. It takes more than love.

I have never witnessed such love. Nothing reminds me more of this love and sacrifice then the Savior's atonement for each one of us.

There is such a misconception about this part of adoption. Pictures of Birthmoms' extremely young or strung out on drugs are often the thing people assume were our children's birthparents circumstances that led them to choose an adoption plan.

Nothing could be farther from the truth in our case and in a majority of domestic adoptions. Our birthparents’ chose adoption. Our birthparents’ consisted of mothers and fathers who are well-educated, spiritual and come from families who have over 30 years of marriage experience. They didn't choose adoption because it was an easier choice or an easy way out! And they most definitely, unequivocally, did not choose it because they were "giving up" this precious life they created.

This is a choice that created much pain and grieving in their own hearts. Not a day goes by that they don't think of us.

They love their child so much that they wanted something better for them. In spite of the pain that they will naturally have to face because of it.

No doubt they found themselves in an "unplanned" circumstance. But never did they treat or feel that their child was not "wanted" or desired.

As a mom, I never had to wonder about the kind of care my children received in the womb. My daughter's Birthmom was so careful to eat only the healthiest of foods, get great pre-natal care and read much literature about the needs of this special child growing in her. My son’s Birthmom continued going to church and school during her pregnancy despite the judgments made on her. It is because of their great love that they wanted something more for the child growing in their belly. Something that would involve many sacrifices.

The next comment this person said to me was,

"If my child found herself in a teenage pregnancy, I would watch or raise the child for her, so she could go to college, finish school, carry on with her life, etc."

This way of thinking is very common in society and most often is the norm!

Adoption is "out there." And this is the norm!

I didn't find what this person was saying to be noble. I didn't view this as true love. I didn't think to myself, "Wow this individual must really love their child to do this for her."

Quite the opposite actually.

The question that comes to my mind time and again is this,

What about the child?

One thing my son’s birthfather said to us before his birth was,

“This child is a gift from God.”

I found this an extremely profound statement from a boy in an extremely difficult situation. And yet, his statement is not a politically correct or popular one. Because if our children are a gift from God, shouldn’t we be making choices for them accordingly? Shouldn’t their needs be at the very top of our agenda despite the sacrifices involved?

Our children are a gift from God. This is not just our child. It is first and foremost God’s. And as such, we have such a responsibility to them.

I’m not saying every unplanned pregnancy should result in adoption. Obviously, I am an advocate for adoption because I have personally witnessed the beauty of it. I just wish and hope wholeheartedly that the myths surrounding this beautiful act could be properly understood.

Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world. Things happen. Unavoidable things. Avoidable things. And it is during these moments that we choose to make the very best choices because we know our lives are also a gift. And we hopefully want to make the choice that will please our Heavenly Father and create the most benefits.

The problem is, too many choices are often self-serving and often reflect what will make us more comfortable.

We live in a world today that treats children as commodities. Having a child is more about "your" wants instead of the child’s. Daycares are the norm. Fathers are not necessary. And as of today’s propaganda…families aren’t even necessary! Children are starting competitive sports before they are eight and are enrolled in every class imaginable to ensure they will get into their Ivy League schools. Preschools are turning as competitive as universities! Are we really doing these things for our children or our own pride as a parent?

This has hit such a nerve with me lately. Maybe it's because of the comments I keep getting about me not pursuing my career by "just" staying home. Or maybe it's a combination of the many comments I get about my children being "unwanted" or "given up" from their birthparents. As if our birthparents did the easy thing by not trying to raise the life they created.

Our Birthparent’s love their child so much that they are willing to go through any amount of pain so that their child doesn't have to feel it throughout their life. They want them to have a life with two parents. They want them to have a stable home life. They want them to know the innocence of childhood.

Lets not mince words. It isn't easy for a child to grow up without a father or a mother. It isn't easy for a child's main source of parenting to come from a daycare provider. How sad is it that many children's first words, first steps are witnessed by someone who will never be around to share those moments with them. Yet, we make these choices, because they benefit us! We, as parents can still go to work! Further our careers! Wear the latest clothes, drive the nicest cars and buy the biggest homes. And we think this is success. And the adults who choose to "stay home" or "give up" are doing so because they are lazy or have no talents, intelligence or drive.

Is there not a correlation between this false perception on adoption and the “me” mentality that is saturating our families in today’s world?

I know in saying this, I am leaving a large portion of parents who work really hard and do so for their children out of the equation. I am also deeply aware of parents who are both working or single parenting out of circumstances not of their choosing. Life happens. Difficult things happen. I get that. Believe me, I do!

I am speaking up for myself, my children and our courageous birthparents. I can't imagine how hard it must be for them to hear the callus words "given up" and "I could never do that." As if it is an easy thing. As if the person who "could never give up a child" is saying something noble. It would be a much easier thing for our birthparents to have raised their baby. But they weren't just thinking of themselves when they made their choice. And THAT takes more love, more courage, more pain than any love I have seen a parent give their child in raising them!

It is this love that reminds me how lucky I am to raise my kids. It is this love that makes me love my children’s birthparents so much. It is for this reason that our birthparent's are honored in our home. It is this love that I hope my children will feel so abundantly as they grow. It is this love that makes an open adoption indescribable.

Our birthparents wanted more for their child. A child, who was wanted from the moment they were conceived. A child whose future was agonized over, prepared for, prayed for and sacrificed for. Even before they would ever breath their first breaths of life.

Yes, this child may have been unplanned but never “unwanted.” This child was given more. Not given up.

Our Adoption Journey (part three)

Part One
Part Two

PART THREE (revised)

August 2nd  is an important date to us.

Rewind to 2007.  This was the date we handed back baby “Faith.” 

Fast forward to 2008.  This marked the date we went to the temple with our two beautiful children to be acknowledged through God and sealed together as an eternal family.  

(Our family is of the LDS faith.  We strongly believe in the eternal nature of families.  So, therefore, this date was very special and important to us). 

Who would have thought that so much could happen in one year?  We sure didn’t.  Would we do it all again?  Absolutely.  Ten times over.  It humbles me completely to think about how God works.  And to be able to be a part of His miracles is incredible and baffles me when I sit down to really think about it.  He took what was our greatest sadness and turned it into something beautiful.  

I love Chinese food.  Not so much for the food as for the fortune cookies. What does this random thought have to do with anything?  Well, at the beginning of our journey I opened a fortune cookie that read,

“Faith is knowing there’s an ocean when all you see is a stream.”

Oh those profound fortune-cookie makers. This fortune is not just a fortune.  It is the truth.  How grateful and truly humbled we feel to see God’s hand in guiding us.  He gave us the faith we needed.  Indeed.  Because in the beginning all we had to go on was the sound of a stream. 

For the last few months I have written and rewritten this part of our story.  “Part Three” has been really difficult to write.  Mainly because I feel it isn’t mine only to share.  It is now my children’s story.  It is theirs’ to own.   

The birth of our children accompany many emotions, extreme joy and sacredness. Because this part of our story is incredibly precious and sacred to our hearts we will share bits and pieces and allow the sacred parts to remain in our hearts.   

We were there for the birth of our beautiful children.  We were there.  I can’t wait for the day to tell them about their birth.  And be able to describe it in detail.  They were uniquely special and incredible moments.  On the day our children were born, we had a glimpse of heaven.  Peace, love and joy are words we say so frequently.  We felt the depths of these words on their births.   

There was so much love between all of us present.  The hand of God was over all of us, no doubt.  And the feeling He leaves in His presence is peace.  Soft peace.   

While each birth has a different story, the powerful feelings my husband and I felt when our children took their first breaths of life, were much the same.   Nothing could have prepared my heart for the amount of love that immediately took hold.  I will never forget these moments in time.   

I wasn’t able to feel my children in my body for nine months.  But they had no doubt been growing in my heart everyday from the moment we began this journey.   And there have been many special moments in my life when I have felt them so near.    

I wasn’t able to experience the miracle of giving birth to my children.  And yet, I will have an experience of my child’s birth that very few moms have.  For my son, I got to see him come into this world.  I watched as his tiny little blonde head appeared.  I looked at my hubby’s face to see pride, joy and humility and tears well up in his eyes.   I literally felt as though my heart was going to burst out of my chest.  My baby.  I was in awe.  It felt as though time was standing still and I could just stare and hold my precious child forever.   

I will never forget the amount of love that filled my heart when I held my wide-eyed daughter for the first time.  I did not think my heart was capable of feeling more love.  And in the moment she was placed in my arms, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.    

I will also never ever forget the amount of love and raw emotion that showed in our Birthparent's eyes when they handed us our baby.

We will forever be grateful to our Birthparents for this moment.  We needed them at a time they needed us.  This was our miracle.   

It is because of their absolute love for Champ & Lovebug that we are a family.  How do you possibly thank someone for this gift?  There just aren’t words or even a gift appropriate enough.  We would thank them by being the best parents to our precious children.  We would thank them by honoring their name in our household.  Our children will always know about their merciful heart and great courage.  They will always know what love each Birthparent had to offer them a life with their family.  And they will always know that they were meant to be in our family.  It wasn’t just ‘a’ child that we were meant to parent.  It was Champ and Lovebug specifically.   

This experience was far beyond us. The more we grow, the more we learn from it. 

People ask me all the time about our “open adoption.”  It is not something I can quickly explain. I find myself at a loss explaining this special relationship between our Birthparents and us.  How do you describe a relationship you have with your father, mother, sister or grandmother?  Seriously!  Just try putting that into words in a paragraph or less!     

There is something mysterious to those unfamiliar with open adoption.  It is not co-parenting.  Far from it.   Our open adoption is centered around our children.  They will grow up always knowing about their special history.  There is no secrecy or shame involved.  Our Birthparents strengthen our role as our kid’s parents.  And on the flip side, our openness serves to help our Birthparents find much healing.  When done in balance and through much prayer, our open adoption benefits every single one of us.    

Emma says it best,  

 “…Instead of being your mom I am going to be “your Emma.”  I will always love you and think about you, but never will I have to worry about if you’re being taken care of and that is the most comforting thing.”   

There is a bond that is formed.  One that is in our hearts.  All of our lives were made better the moment we found one another.  And everyone’s was deepened the moment the child, we have for so long been waiting for, is born.  We were all answers to one another’s prayers.  Our relationship is built on trust, faith, respect and love. That is the best way I can explain it.    

Our children will never have a doubt who their Mommy and Daddy are.  They will always know how desperately we wanted them, prayed for them and treasure them.   And they will always know how much their birthparents wanted for them, prayed for them and love them always.    

Our adoption agency’s website is “It’s about love.” I always thought this was a corny title. But to me now, it is a very appropriate title about adoption.  It may sound cheesy, but it is true, “It is all about love!”   

Our birthmom, Daphne says it perfectly:     

“It’s difficult for me to put into words how lucky I feel to be a part of such an amazing miracle.  Throughout each of our struggles and tears, our Heavenly Father has made something so beautiful.”   

When we began this journey our mindset was on us being parents.  We end this journey realizing that our journey has only just begun!  We can’t help but think that our children’s mission in life began long before they were born.  Our children changed so many lives for the better even before their birth.  They created so much love even before they took their first few breaths of life.     

They are a miracle.  The story of their birth is a miracle.    

We can’t imagine our life without adoption.  We thank God for allowing us to be a part of such an amazing, loving and miraculous journey.   

This was something so beautiful.      

Mamma Mia's Adoption Story

I was surprised to open up our blog and see that my adoption story was being featured on one of my favorite adoption blogs.  Thought I would share!

The site is called Because Adoption Matters.  It has stories from not only adoptive parents but also soon-to-be adoptive parents, BirthParents and Adoptees.  There is so much strength to be found in reading others' experiences.  I love what this blog stands for.  Just thought I would share!

Click Here for the link to my family's story!

Our Adoption Journey (part two)

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

PART TWO 

An entire month passed. 

An entire month full of hope, happiness, anxiety, fear and many tears. My husband and I felt so excited for our son’s birth. And yet the fear part would kick in and we would be afraid to feel excitement, just in case…. It took all we had to push through our fear and embrace our story (as it was happening) without knowing what lay ahead.

At this stage of the adoption journey and speaking as an adoptive couple - we felt extremely vulnerable. We have put it all on the table. All of our hopes and dreams for our future rests in someone else’s hands. This can be such an uneasy feeling. And yet, I look at what our birthmoms were doing. They were putting all their faith and trust on the table that what they were feeling in us as their baby’s parents was right. It was an amazing feeling that was taking place. We were both in these very vulnerable positions and at the same time we couldn’t help but feel true peace. There is such a bond that is created in this moment between us. The hand of the Lord was working little miracles each and every day. Miracles that to some may seem everyday occurrences. But to all of us they were truly answers to our many prayers.

August 21, 2007. This was a great day. I take that back, this was a remarkable day. Images of this day are forever in my mind just like it happened a few hours ago.

Let me take you back to August 20th. My husband and I were in Target. I love Target. (Not so much for my hubby though)! We were walking hand in hand down the aisles as we often do.

We passed the “blue” aisle. We smiled thinking about what our son would look like. Would he have dark hair? Would he like sports? Would he be a leader? My husband was talking about how he looked forward to throwing the ball with his son and doing all the rites of passages that exist between a father and son. I too was daydreaming. I was dreaming of holding my baby and comforting him to sleep. Being there for him as he comes home from school.

Then we passed the “pink” aisle. I stopped in my tracks. I couldn’t fight back the emptiness that filled my heart at not being able to talk about “us” and the “pink aisle!” Part of me just justified that I was feeling a pain from our failed adoption with Faith. And yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling in my heart. As the tears started trickling out of my eyelids I looked up at my husband who so tenderly held me next to his chest. I said, “I just feel like someone is missing.”

My husband gave me another squeeze and we continued on as I wiped my tears away. I’m sure we looked silly standing there in the aisles having such a tender moment while everyone is walking around buying things like corn, diapers and mascara! And yet, this moment was such a defining one for our family. We felt so strongly that we were going to have a son. And we also felt so strongly there was a “pink aisle” child to be a part of our lives. And this thought just wouldn’t go away. We talk about this day in Target every once in a while. We call it our “Target moment.”

Back to August 21, 2007. My husband and I took the afternoon off to spend time together. We drove down to the Temple where we of course were late and had to wait a half hour before we could go in. It was such a nice way to step outside of the world (so to speak) and a way to feel true peace in our hearts.

As we were driving home my husband got a phone call. It was our caseworker (our new caseworker whom we loved). He asked to put both of us on the phone. Now, I stated this before, but I’ll say it again. These words bring terror to my heart. The last time we heard these words…it wasn’t what I wanted to hear!!

My husband put his phone on speaker and as we continued driving down the freeway as our caseworker said something along the lines of, “ I have a young woman in my office who has chosen you. You’ve been selected.”

What?!!! Are you kidding?!!

Chosen, Selected, Yes!!! These are all words we were growing so accustomed to NOT hearing! They were so opposite of the words “failure” which were what we had been beaten with through our infertility journey and on! We couldn’t believe it! What a miracle indeed!

Our caseworker told us they were sitting there together and he asked us if we would like to talk to her. My husband told our caseworker that we were amazingly enough only about two minutes from his office.

We hung up the phone and ……. silence. We could not believe this was happening. Again! This just doesn’t happen again! This is nothing but a miracle. Words cannot adequately describe the feelings of my heart in this moment.

We cried. There is only one word that comes to mind. And it doesn’t do justice. But here goes: Grateful.

Amidst all the tears that were welling up in me, I had to keep asking my husband to pinch me. He was in utter shock as well. We arrived at the agency in record speed. As we walked in the door I beheld a beautiful woman dressed in a black shirt and jeans and wearing a pony tail (of which I have never seen her wear since) and had the biggest most beautiful smile on her face! Next to her was a handsome man wearing a hat and sitting right by her side.

I remember everything from that moment…including the clothes. As I said that image is seared in my brain. My heart was immediately put to rest to learn that the man sitting next to our beautiful angel was our birthfather. What another blessing to have him so involved. We knew this was another miracle in our journey.

We immediately hugged and began talking. It was as though we had known one another forever. I don’t know how long we talked but I will never forget the feeling of that moment. This was meant to be. Everything we had been feeling wasn’t made up. The Lord had a plan for us as a family. I always felt that miracles were things that happened to other people. And here we were experiencing our very own miracle. We have never been so humbled and so grateful and so beyond joy in our entire life.

We talked about so much. We wanted to learn all about them. I remember Daphne talking about how happy she was when she found our profile. She took it with her everywhere and started showing friends. She was excited. I was so happy to hear her say this.

Tony was very sweet and quiet. But what he did say we could feel came from his heart. He said that he was right by Daphne’s side and would support her through every bit of it. And he is every bit a man of his word. We immediately loved him.

During our conversation Daphne (our birthmom) told us the date of her birthday. My husband and I looked at each other with a smile and surprise. This was a special date we celebrated between us every single year. See, my husband and I were friends long before we officially started dating. We started dating with a kiss. The date of this kiss is the date we celebrate every year. And… is also the birthday of our birthmom and angel on earth!

When Daphne said she was having a girl, my heart leaped with joy. This was our missing piece!

We felt joy beyond measure that day. I love recalling this moment. And to this day, I still can’t figure out how everything worked out the way it did. Our caseworker knew about Emma. He knew that we were having a baby boy! Yet he felt strongly that he should show Daphne our profile. When Daphne and I talk about our story, she will always mention that our caseworker says, “I don’t know why I showed you their profile.” He may not, but we do. The Lord works in mysterious ways. And, as we have come to find out, we are usually the way He works through!

I guess it is worth mentioning. But, about a week before we met I felt a very strong urging to get our profile put back online. It had completely disappeared into a black hole the day we were selected by Lilly & Emma. Even the people in charge of the online profiles had no idea what happened. I kept getting this, what I can only describe, as a very clear and very strong feeling to get it back online as soon as possible. I worked to redo our entire online profile. And then, I just left it. I understand now that those feelings of urgency must have stopped the moment that our caseworker gave our profile to Daphne. I have no doubt in my mind that had he not given her our profile, she would have found us online. This was another miracle that only I could feel in my heart. It was also a deep-seeded testimony to my heart that my Heavenly Father loved me and that He is real and He really cares about us individually in such a micro way. I have never grasped this so strongly than I did during this time. I always felt I had to be perfect to receive His help. And yet, I am so far from perfect. He truly loves every single one of us.

When we got home that day we were completely floored. We could barely speak. We shared the news with my parents. They couldn’t believe it either. We emailed Tony & Daphne as soon as we got home and settled. At the same time Daphne was writing one to us! Our letters describe best the feelings of our heart at this time so I thought I'd share:

We wrote to Daphne & Tony:

We just wanted to tell you both that we are so thrilled! We are so happy we happened to be driving by when you called and we were able to meet you in person. We hope it put your mind at ease as much as you did ours. We are completely humbled and overjoyed that you have chosen us to parent your baby. We understand this decision isn’t easy on your part and we commend you for putting aside your emotions and doing what you feel in your heart is the right thing for this baby and her future. We promise you that we will do everything in our power to provide a home to her full of security, unconditional love, opportunity and the chance to have the best that life has to offer.

We are looking forward to getting to know you better and developing a relationship with you! Please feel free to call us anytime or email us. We are an open book and would love to talk or answer any questions you might have!

Thank you for calling us today. It was an absolute answer to our prayers!
Love,
Mamma Mia & Hubby


Daphne wrote to us:

Ya know what's crazy?! I was writing the two of you an email right around the same time you sent yours but I obviously didn't send mine until now :) I get distracted!

Hey you two!

I don’t know if it’s too soon to write but I can't stop thinking about the two of you and how grateful I am we were able to meet! I feel like there was so much I had to say with so little time. I honestly can't express how excited I am that Heavenly Father lead me to you. It's been awhile since I've had a real spiritual experience but I know this is the most right decision I've ever made!  ... I’ve also always been taught that every child deserves a mother, and a father, who are married, stable, and ready for children. I’ve never witnessed a more perfect answer to my prayers than when I came across your profile. I fell in love with both of you the second I read it. Everything you said was exactly what I was searching for, and I can’t thank you enough for being the people you are. It might sound crazy, but I’ve been praying for both of you ever since the day I found out I was pregnant. It’s crazy how some things work out!

-Daphne

Mamma Mia to Daphne

Daphne,
Wow. I am writing this through my tears. I haven't stopped crying on and off since we met you.....but in a really good way! I am also soooo incredibly touched and completely humbled with what you had to say about Hubby and I. Ya know, being brought together so quickly into this circumstance creates so many emotions. I already feel so much love towards you.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that we are truly honored to be chosen as this baby girl's parents. تWe do not take that lightly and we feel an obligation to our Heavenly Father but also to you to provide this child with the very best that life has to offer so she can become everything she was meant to be.

You are giving us the greatest gift we could ever hope to receive in this life.

I am also happy to hear that this has been a prayerful experience for you too. We have also had some powerful experiences as we began this process and we know without a doubt that Heavenly Father cares so deeply for each one of us and He is definitely the guiding hand towards happiness, as long as we are willing to move our feet. That has been my greatest lesson through this so far.

Thank you so much for sharing with us more about yourself…

Can't wait to hear back from you!

Much Love,
Mamma Mia

These letters best describe our raw feelings at this time. For the next several months we took much time getting to know one another.  Our bond with one another was instant.   It is something that is very difficult to explain but felt so powerfully in our hearts.   

Another friendship transpired at this time. Emma & Daphne began corresponding. They have since become very close friends. One can only imagine the strength and bond that has developed between the two of them. Fast forward to last week Feb 21, 2008. Emma got married to the greatest guy! 

And right by Emma’s side as her maid of honor? Daphne!

Part Three - our children's birth

My lesson of the Oak Tree - Our Adoption Journey (Part One)

People ask me all the time about our family's story. Not that I can blame them. My beautiful children are six weeks apart. This alone leads to questions!

Our story is so sacred to us and simply cannot be shared in a matter of minutes. It is one that involves God's hands in even the smallest details. This is the reason for my sharing. So here it is, in its entirety. Well, perhaps "entirety" is a bit too much. I will be blogging here and there with more details. But here it is in its "almost" entirety:

Our journey to adoption began long before we ever filled out our adoption paperwork. It began years ago in our hearts. We have always known we wanted to adopt. We just didn't realize our journey to parenthood would begin this way!

In late February 2007 my husband and I began filling out our paperwork for adoption. A few weeks prior “a mighty wind” shook our lives when we discovered that my body would not be getting pregnant. At least not by the fun way of getting pregnant! ha ha! Now, many will say that a few weeks is not enough time to know if we should be proceeding to adoption. Well, for us it was. Moving towards adoption so quickly was the only thing that gave my heart rest. It was the only thing that brought excitement and joy to the hearts of my husband and I.

We spent hours and hours filling out paperwork, having interviews, and more interviews, completing a homestudy where a social worker came to our house to make sure we had a fit place for a child to live in. We had to divulge every bit of our history. They wanted to know if we had ever been in trouble...they wanted to know if anyone in our family had ever been in trouble! We had to go to the police station to get fingerprinted for a background check. We had to prove financial stability. We had to get blood work....oh wait, that was the infertility part! ha ha! Leave it so say, 

adoptive couples pass a lot of tests to prove that they want to be parents and are capable of being good parents!

During this time period we made a conscious decision on two things. 

Number one. 

Adoption is not our second choice. It is our "chosen" course. 

We feel we were chosen for adoption and we feel so honored to have this as our calling and pathway to parenthood. 

Number two. 

We would take joy in our blessings and focus on what we do have. 

We have eachother. We are blessed.

Along this journey we also decided that we would celebrate our achievements along the way. When we finished our paperwork...well that was cause for celebration! When we finished writing our profile...that was definitely cause for a weekend celebration! And when we got our fingerprints...well that was cause for at least a new outfit, right!? And when our first adoption "failed" well - not much to celebrate, but we endured and that was cause for a week in Maui!

One of the most difficult parts of our paperwork was putting together a one-page letter to our potential birthmom and a few pages of pictures. How do you tell someone all about yourself in a couple of pages?!! We agonized over this. We poured our hearts into it. We revised our letter a million times. Until the day came that we felt it was perfect. Perfect for us. On July 3, 2007 we submitted our profile (and last step) to our agency and then we waited. We were done. And this was cause for celebration! 

Our email to our caseworker read:

We are so excited! We are now officially ready to adopt! This is a major celebration for us. Our profile is online and our paperwork is all mailed in. Is there anything else we need to do? Thanks for all your help, we appreciate you hard work! Have a great 4th!
Sincerely,
Mamma Mia & Hubby

Our caseworker wrote back:

Nope, there is nothing you can do now but wait patiently. Congratulations!

And that is just what we did. Minus the "patience" part! I was scared, anxious and fearful. All the while trying to put all my heart into God's hands.

One thing we learned very quickly in this process is that in adoption your sense of control goes out the window. The term “surrender” took on a whole new meaning in my life. And it was hard. There was one point that my heart was just aching and I needed help. My father came over to give my husband and I a "Father's Blessing." For those not a part of our church, allow me explain. We believe God is a God of order. We have many ways to gain an answer to a prayer. A blessing is a way for us to receive direct revelation or comfort from our Heavenly Father in regards to a specific question or need we may have. During this blessing, my Heavenly Father let me know that we had an amazing journey ahead of us. There were many things said, but of them, one sentence stood out. We had some very special spirits that were waiting to join our family.

A few days later my dad called my husband to tell him how strongly he felt during this blessing. He felt so strongly about what he felt inspired by the Lord to say. We truly had some special kids that were waiting to be a part of our family.

I wanted to believe this. So badly. Without seeing or knowing, I tried my very hardest to put my trust in God that this would be true. Some days this was something I had to remind myself to do on an hourly basis! I figured that our special kids would join us over the course of our lifetime. Little did I know these "special spirits" were coming very, very soon!

Over the next few weeks we received several "inquiries." I could take up a whole other blog entry telling you about these. Some of them were blatant scams and made us laugh out loud at the ridiculousness. Others were very real and tender...but just not the right match for us.

On July 9, 2007 we received a message on our voicemail. This was different from all the others. We called back the next morning and spoke to a man named "Jack." We felt like we were talking to a long time friend. Jack told us that his daughter came home from work that night. She began searching adoption profiles and came to ours. She finally felt peace for the first time and knows that the child she is carrying is our son. That evening his daughter, "Emma", came into his bedroom and told him her decision. He held her as she cried and then they called us. We then spoke with Emma. There are not words to describe the feelings in our hearts at this time. It was a spiritual and sacred experience. We loved her from the moment we spoke. There wasn't any awkwardness that I anticipated! We felt like we were talking to family. Emma has a great sense of humor and had us giggling from this very first phone call even to now! She is a great reminder then and now how important humor can be and what medicine laughter is in our hard times.

At one point in our conversation Jack made the comment that, “this baby would be all "[insert lastname]." My husband and I just stared at each other in silence. Good glory! We have the same last name as Emma!! We shared this with them and we all knew in our hearts this was a "little miracle" and a way for God to tell our hearts that he was guiding us. We had such peace in our hearts. We knew this was right.

Ten minutes after we hung up the phone with Emma, we received a call from our caseworker. She told us that a BirthMom named Lilly had selected us that morning. She was due in a few weeks and was having a girl. We were absolutely floored! Our caseworker admitted to us that she purposely didn’t show Lilly our profile. She wanted Lilly to choose another couple who had been waiting longer.  Yet, Lilly and her boyfriend went online and found our profile. Our caseworker said she realized that her role in adoption is to “assist” with the miracles. Lesson learned. While I was a bit upset that she intentionally did this, I could see where she was coming from in wanting to show other couple’s profiles that had been waiting much longer. This was another affirmation to me that our children are meant to be our children no matter the time or place! God has a plan for them.

We told our caseworker about Emma. We were told we had to choose between the two. We were completely torn. We prayed. And in every prayer we received no distinct answer. Both of them felt right. My husband and I were absolutely united on this and felt we both were receiving the same answer.

Emma felt the same. She told us that it didn't matter to her what route we decided (whether we were to have both children or not) but she knew without a doubt this was our son. This confirmed everything we were feeling about Emma and the special little boy she was carrying. We didn't know why we felt so strongly about both, but we did.

We called back the caseworker and told her our decision. We ended up getting special approval for us to proceed with the adoptions of two babies. Now, to say we were completely humbled is putting this mildly. We know how difficult the waiting process can be. Part of me felt really guilty that there were so many other couples that have been waiting a much longer time than my husband and I, and here we were being presented with two! Yet, something deep inside of me knew that the timing wasn't mine to control. If these children were meant to be raised by my husband and I - that was all that mattered to us.

We were able to meet Lilly the next week. We didn't feel as close to her as we did with Emma but we were absolutely willing to put ourselves out there, heart on our sleeves! We continued to correspond through email and occasional phone calls. Meanwhile, we flew out to visit Emma and her family. We fell in love with them. The familial feelings we felt are indescribable. We could literally feel the hand of God orchestrating the details of our coming together. It was an incredible time and very hard to put into words.

If my body were able to get pregnant, there would be no doubt that the child I was carrying was meant to be my child. With adoption this experience is completely spiritual. We knew this child that Emma was carrying was meant to be our child. It had been confirmed to our hearts in such a solid and powerful way. I had to trust the feelings I had. We learned another depth to the word "faith."

I also learned a great deal how much Heavenly Father deeply cares for every single one of us. While He may not cause bad things to happen to us, He absolutely finds a way for us to find peace and lead us to the best way. Even when we aren’t so sure we are being lead!

On July 21, 2007, we received a phone call from Lilly. She told us she was going to the hospital and would like us to be there for the birth. We were so excited, scared and completely anxious! We quickly got our stuff together and headed out the door to meet her at the hospital. We had absolutely no idea what to expect. My mom and sister came over to set everything up for us bringing a baby home.

The next couple days were the hardest days of our lives. We were filled with so much anxiety, confusion and complete lack of control.

We were blessed to be there for the birth of this beautiful baby girl. We named her "Faith." This name kept coming to my mind a few weeks prior. I knew without a doubt that this should be the baby's name. The birth was an amazing experience and one I will always be grateful to be a part of. We held this child and gave her much love. We came by the hospital a few times a day, but made sure to give Lilly and her family as much time with the baby as possible. On the day we were supposed to go home with baby, our caseworker advised us to leave for several hours. We weren't being told much and we were scared to death at the possibility of Lilly changing her mind. We left….our fear in tow. We went to the movie theater...an amazing movie theater! We decided it was time for some food therapy. We walked up to the counter and ordered everything on the menu. I'm not kidding. We ordered one of each. They had Cinnabon pretzels, pizza slices, chicken fingers, and cheese sticks. We took all of this into the movie and tried our best to laugh and keep our sense of humors about us while a tornado of turmoil began boiling in our hearts.

The excruciating part came when we went back to the hospital and were preparing to leave. We felt sick to our stomachs. We knew something wasn't right. We just felt so in the dark about everything. When we finally left we felt so sad. It was so hard to see how much pain Lilly was in. And we couldn't shake the uncertainty that was in our hearts. Our caseworkers even said it was one of the hardest placements they had been to. Yikes!

When we got home we had our family there to greet us. This actually was really hard and something I would do very differently had I to do over again. Not that we don’t appreciate our family. We do. We just needed some time to unwind and get our heads around everything we had just been through.

That is another thing about adoption. Because you don’t actually give birth, others think you are ready to go! When in all reality we needed just as much sleep and recovery as a woman who has given birth! The range of emotions we experienced during the last three days were enough to last me a lifetime!!

We were so emotionally drained and tired. We took baby “Faith” home with much faith, in every way. In our state, BirthMoms have 72 hours to change their minds after signing relinquishment. For all couples this is a tense time period. But you go through it. You go through almost anything for your child!

We had to live with this while falling in love with this little bundle. No matter what happened, we decided that this precious little girl deserved as much love as possible. We loved her up and down. We cared for her night and day for the next three days.

My husband was so sleep deprived, he woke up in the middle of the night and pointed to the baby and told her to “sit!” A command we give our puppy quite frequently. But never a baby! LOL!

Things were going just fine. Until….we got the phone call. The call we deep down were dreading. Our caseworker called and said, “Could you put both you and your wife on the phone?” To this day my heart races whenever someone says these trivial words.

We needed to bring the baby back. Lilly just couldn't go through with it. We were devastated. Our worst fear just came true.

We immediately hopped in the car and brought our "faith" back. We handed back our "faith." My sweet dad went to our house during this time and completely emptied it of any baby stuff. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for him. I now understand the love of a parent. It pains my heart to see my child cry. I cannot imagine the pain my dad must have been feeling as he did this for us. I love him so much for that.

We went home empty handed and feeling very down. Over the next few days we stayed in and, well, grieved. I couldn't believe this was happening and yet a part of me knew it was going to. I prayed so much. I remember praying and telling God how cruel this was. How could I be told I would never be a mother only to get a glimpse of how wonderful it is and then to have it taken from me? The moment I said these words an amazing feeling enveloped my body. I felt so much peace come over me. I knew in that moment that I had a choice. I could blame God and continue forward with bitterness in my heart towards Him and all that were involved in this. Or, I could hand it over to Him. I chose the latter. Although, I didn't know exactly how. I prayed that He would take this burden from me. I prayed that He would build me up to be able to endure this. I can't describe the feeling. But He did. He did. He strengthened me. I felt peace.

There were not many people I could go to at this time. I felt like I was dealing with a death and yet, like my infertility, I needed to endure it in silence and with dignity. The hardest part was knowing the home that baby "faith" was going back to. It broke my heart to know of the challenges she was going to have to endure in her life. I know we could have given her so much more. The thing that brought me comfort was knowing that above all, this was Heavenly Father's child. I wasn't just handing her back to her BirthMom. We were handing her back to our Heavenly Father. She will be okay.

Another true blessing that came from this was the bond that strengthened between my husband and I.  We had been through so much the last few months. Our love had grown and our foundation felt so much stronger than it did just a month before. I truly love this man with all my heart.

The next few weeks came and went with much healing. We found it in our hearts to forgive and move forward. We didn't give away our "faith" after all.  We kept it in our hearts.  We were broken and yet we couldn't have felt stronger going forward.  We knew we had an amazing journey ahead of us. We just didn't know what that meant exactly. I wrote "baby Faith's" mom a letter. But I promised myself I wouldn't send it until I absolutely meant every single word from my heart. On August 8, 2007 I sent this letter:

Lilly,
We just want to tell you that we wish you and baby the very best. We feel very blessed for the time we got to spend with her. Our lives are forever changed and enriched for this experience and we wish baby the best that life has to offer.

We had too much of a close experience together for words to go unspoken. We have no ill feelings for you and want you to know we are here with open arms. We hope everything goes well for you, and especially for your special child. She will always be a very important and special part of our lives.

With Love,
Mamma Mia & Hubby


Emma and her family were there for us during all of this. When we told her the news of "Faith" she was sad. The first thing she said to us was, "That's not gonna happen with me!" One blessing that came from this is Emma really evaluated whether this was absolutely the right thing. And she received the confirmation again that it was.

Next? Maui! We took a much needed, much anticipated trip to our favorite island. We really looked forward to it. We came back so refreshed. We had been through our worst fear. And yet, everything felt right. This was our story. This was OUR story!!! We were going to embrace it. I share this story with anyone who wants to know. So much healing comes to my heart in sharing this. And to relate the “Oak Tree” poem, we had been shaken. Our leaves had been stolen from us, our branches had been broken but we were still standing. And no doubt, our roots had grown deeper. We were stronger than we EVER knew!

We knew one thing going forward. Our future children will always know how much we wanted them. They will know how much we went through to get them here. And most importantly they will know, it is not just any child we were meant to parent, it was them! They will know.

I love the quote, "When a door shuts, a window is opened."  It felt as though a door had shut on us.  Little did we know that God was opening a window for us.  It was a window to an amazing miracle about to take place.

What started out as a "failed" adoption has turned into a memory that warms my heart whenever I think back on it.  I can truly say that I am grateful for this experience.  As Cliche as it sounds, I am.  

Little did WE know, our journey had just begun!

Click Here for Part Two